An idiot does not necessarily refer to a person who can't understand faster as compared to everyone else. An d idiot is not necessarily someone who can't explain things better than others. An idiot can be that top notcher Board/Bar Exam passer that you know. An idiot can be that person who always raises his arm to answer a  question asked by a teacher. An idiot could pretty much be that person who says he knows everything there is to know about Math, Algebra, Geometry, Statistics. An idiot can be that person seated, in the Oval office of the White House or that person who lives in Malacanang (if you're from the Philippines). And idiot can  be that person who bullied you when you were in Elementary or Highschool. An idiot can be that most popular cheerleader with her short spandex on. An idiot can be that person seated right next to you right now reading this blog. Or you could even be an idiot. Don't worry, I know I am an idiot. Just trying to set things clear.

An idiot can be that someone who knows the right  answer but still chooses the wrong one. An idiot can be that person who knows the truth but is trying to make believe that the lie  is the truth. An idiot  is that person who knows he knows better but chose to know less. An idiot is  a part of what we are. Human beings. Sometimes, I think idiocy has been programmed within us. It's as if our brains  has it's own idiot  function that automatically comes into play if we subconsciously wish to. Sometimes, it's an alibi for you to b e given the right to make mistakes. For me,  it's a lifestyle. You know that feeling when everyone who knows you look up on you  because they think you're all that? You're awesome, perfect in any way, flawless. But then, there will always be that  one person who has seen you break down from the facade of created idealism you put up in front of all the people in  the world to see. There will always be that one person who knows you for who you are - an idiot. Sometimes, we equally see the idiocy of that one person as well, sometimes not. Some of us may have shrinks - personal psychiatrists/psychologists who helps us   from being too  consumed with our stupidity. But little do we know, that one person may also have his own shrink who shrinks his head when his stupidity becomes adamantly incomprensively terrible.

Probably what I'm trying to get at is  that we can only see our real selves if we see the idiot that we are. Sometimes, it's not through our  knowledge on stuffs that makes us far better than anyone else, sometimes, we get to realize our "awesomeness" if we adapt to  our stupidity. Sometimes, we may also get what we want most in our lives by just being a plain idiot. 

Eyes that looks down right into me,

Reading every thought that passes me,

Searching for every feeling I possess,

Responding simply with an insatiable kiss.

From my forehead to my nose - you kissed,

And you finally found yourself kissing my lips.

We stood there for almost an eternity,

Wrapped in each others embrace neatly.

Lips locked all through the night,

Enveloped in the darkness that kept us from sight.

On fire are we with that burning passion,

Our kiss can't be submerged into oblivion.

The warmth, the heat - our agitated collision,

Was solely witnessed by the dark starry horizon

by. Mharesth Love Rabanes

when cruelty strikes a flailing soul

when love can no longer satisfy its hungry growl

when all that's left but patience

how can one survive an unexplained absence?

tears again starts welling up

as one's soul is clearly drying out

a faith once thought to be adamant

now has become something less than dormant.

i kept waiting for time to strike

as day passes with painful smites

i just drown myself with memories,

to wash away reality's discrepancies.

my own shadow itself has left me

in shattered pieces of the world's irony

how can love be more than shallow?

how could it lead me to an unexpected gallow

As I stared at the moon tonight, still awed with the luminosity of its light, I felt the eyes of the moon. For the first time, I felt the moon really looking down at me. I was tempted to scream for the fear I felt. Amidst the cool sea breeze of the evening, I felt mounds of damp sweat on my back and every part of my body. Yet as I contnually stared back, the fear started to die down and I was washed with some sort of relief. I found myself, once again, immaculately caught in too much awe and too much admiration of the beautiful glowing sight of the moon.

My feet dg deep in the sun beneath it. How long has it been since I was standing there by the seashore? An hour? I'm not sure, but the seaside has never felt this perfect to me before. The wave found its way towards me, washing my feet and inviting me to move towards the water. I closed my eyes as I felt the wind rushing through my entire existence and allowed the mechanism of my body take its toll and move for itself. Without much surprise, I found myself immersing in the water. Knee-deep, Hip-deep, I felt cold... Very cold, but how far should I go? How far am I willing to go? The deeper I am in the water, the more my body sways with the waves, yet the more I feel the warm comfort of the water. The deeper I go, I feel that somehow, I am advancing towards the future, leaving in its wake the steadily accumulating past. I am continually treading on towards the moon when I stopped short. I am already four feet deep in the water, I decided to wake up and move back towards the shore when my feet decided to become immobile and to ignore the loud and resounding command of its master. So I just stood there, scared but motionless. My heart seems to be pounding its way off from my chest, still I chose to close my eyes and tried to calm down and think... Think... Think... I closed my eyes and tried to think...

... Sweet voices filled the air. Happy laughter’s reverberated in every corner of the wide space of the Earth that contains me. I opened my eyes and realize that the night has gone by and I am now standing by the shore of the sea again with that old familiar sea breeze that existed between me and the world. I took a huge gulp of air. The sun was shining brightly today, the sky is glowing its sky blue vibrancy – A perfect day for a seashore picnic true. I focused on those laughters I've heard as I gained consciousness. Beautiful laughters filled the air still. I studied the voices that surround me. I looked down to my right and saw a huge shadow... A shadow surrounded by 10 other figures that are way more than familiar... I looked around and saw my family, the biggest shadow was owned by my father. He's back home...! With an exalted joy, I thought. It's quite early for him to be back home, but nonetheless, he's home - that's what matters. He is sitting with my mom, holding her hand endearingly as if not wanting to let go, never wanting to let go. She kissed my mom's forehead occasionally as the small and petite body of my mother is shaking with giggles but still tries to worm out from the caresses of my father. My eldest brother, kuya Junior, cracked a joke from out of nowhere which solicited guffaws from his wife and my other siblings. It's nice to see them this happy. My sister Mariza, Ianne, and Brother Jay-R, all happy, all gay, all problem-free. I looked down and saw four small, yet distinct figures right by the left side of my mother, my little angels - Trisha, Kyle, Barbara, and Nicky – Sitting by the sand, trying to make a poor replica of a castle. My heart is overwhelmed with warmth and happiness with the sight of my family. I couldn't love them any better. My family isn't perfect, but perfection is a poor excuse of happiness. My family is not perfect... But they're united, and their happy... That's what matters.

Oddly enough, the sun died out turning the sky its midnight blue color. The evening lights of the nearby residences created soft ripples of molten highlights changing the scene or view into colorful spectrums of red, pink, blue, and white as if I was looking through a kaleidoscope that shows formations not of spherical vertigo but of vertical... Another oddity which I took note of. At the end of the transformation, was White Space - Plain, White Space. Yet somehow in my peripherals, there were obvious movements and shapes, both of which that exudes familiarity and nostalgia. Figures of people of varied size, varied body tones, and varied hair lengths. Throughout the White Space, nothing seems to be there at all, but the distinctiveness of the shapes sighted by the peripheries of my vision is real. Or so they seem. Damn White Space! I thought. I tried to ignore the motions and shapes, yet it seems to be continually stalking me. I closed my eyes and tried to stay still wishing for the visions on my periphery to just go away, yet when my own heart beat seemed to be the only company I have in that wide yet enclosed area of White Space, I started hearing voices... Am I going mad? I hope not. But the voices are real... They are voices of people... People I know. They are calling out to me with different names, but those names I know I own... Bez... Lub2... Lovely... Love... Love-Love... Twin... Beh... Mai... Mai... Mai... Mai... I'm going mad, I know I simply am. I opened my eyes and the sights on my peripherals are getting stronger – Getting more distinct. But as I face front, it's the usual white space... That spooky white space. I started running, running out of nowhere just out of this white space. When another oddity came into picture... A computer keyboard, in the middle of White Space. WTH, I would have said, but I was too perplexed seeing it right in front of me with "Ctrl", "Alt", and "Delete" keys glowing. I keyed in the combination, just an act out of curiosity, and was then surrounded with endless eddies of dried leaf. Nauseated, I held my breath and closed my eyes. What is happening?

I saw a hand, palms out, as if trying to help me. I realized, I’ve finally escaped from White Space. I am not in the middle of a cemented area, sitting disdainfully on the hot summer ground. The sunshine hurt my eyes too much to focus on anything, especially to focus on the guy (assuming he is a guy since he's overall physique or shape is that of a man) lending a helping hand. I just took the hand and stood up. He ushered me to follow him, which some people are waiting for me. Who? He just told me to follow.

I looked around as we walked. He was leading the way, and I was right behind him. I looked around and saw that I am in the middle of a basketball court, well, there is actually two basketball court horizontally parallel to each other. On the left side, adjacent to the basketball courts, was a covered court, and far out was a parking space which seemed to be empty. I realized that I was at the institution, no at the UNIVERSITY, where I used to go for High school and college. Nothing seemed to have changed much since I left school. I looked at the glowing guy again, this time, I was sure that he's "glow" has already died out... But it didn't. It's confusing how he seemed to be the only thing enveloped with the sunlight. We stepped out of the sport courts where we started walking and I found myself stepping on unneatly cut bermuda grass. Then just a couple of meters away is an open cafeteria... No! A canteen, it’s the place where I usually hang out. Whoa! Nostalgia washed over me. Sweet memories filled my mind.. The thoughts of chocolate cake and Iced tea, Anime posters, Siomai, Burger, checkered maroon and gold, graphing paper pants. I hated school; it was because I loved it too much, that's for sure. I was overwhelmed with wonderful feelings or the past; I didn't even feel like I was walking, walking felt more like gliding right behind the glowing guy. As we entered the canteen that oozed with the smell of familiarity, I noticed that no one was seated on the costumers’ tables, yet all the booths selling the good stuffs are open. Great! It pleased me, I am kind of hungry. In the middle of the cafeteria, the glowing guy stopped. He pointed east, towards a group of people, the only occupants of the empty canteen. Seven people were seated there. Occupying the red table and seated where the shades blocked the radiance of the sunrays.

The glowing guy took my hand and lead me on towards the group of people, he beckoned me to walk infront of him, so as he went deeper into the shade, his glowing dying out, I still cannot see who this glowing guy is. I didn't really care. Much to my surprise, however, I saw 7 familiar faces. Faces of people I love and kept ever so closely in my heart. JAELINN MACKHAYE and KEITHLEN! If I had a camera on my hand, I would ask the glowing guy to take a picture of all 8 of us - together. ATLAST! They smiled their glowing smiles as they saw me advancing towards them. They waved out calling my name. My bestfriend, Cynthia calling out saying "BEZ!", Jeralin, trying to spoil the moment by saying "Love-ly" instead of "JUST" Love, Julie Ann and her small voice calling out saying "Ali Love!", Kaykay, with the brightest smile calling out "Lub-Lub", Janet smiling her bright smile, Faye calling out, "Mom! You're late!" and Keithlen, edging in her seat calling out "Twin! I miss you!". Cynthia, Jeralin, and Kayla, the ones seated at the edge of the seat by the isle stood up and flung their arms wide enough so they can welcome me with a hug. I rushed towards them expecting to embrace them any second now... But, the "running" part took a little more than forever. Then I realized that I just passed through them. I'm not sure if they felt me, but is they ever did - I'm pretty sure they felt nothing but vapor.

I looked back and saw them welcome someone and embracing someone else so dearly... The woman in their arms... She looks exactly like me. Same dark skin tone, the same long black flowing hair, but she is someone with flesh – Someone able to be embraced. They beckoned "HER" to sit and chat with them. She looks so happy, so content, so complete. But before she took her seat, she reached out for another person. I almost forgot the existence of that glowing guy. That glowing guy, who has lost his glow as the sunrays were blocked by the shade of the area. I know the guy. I know him perfectly well. He took "HER" hand without haste and seated himself right beside her, looking straight at me. Did he see me? Could he? Or am I just imagining things? If I was just vapor, could he really? Davy, that one guy who I promised to love for eternity and whom I dedicated my loyalty for forever. Could he actually feel me? But "SHE" caught her attention and he looked away. He looked away from me. I envy her. I envy that woman who looks like me. She has her friends around her, she has him and he's hands are clasped tightly around her hand. I stared at her for almost a lifetime, wishing she would look at me in the same way he did. Alas! She did, finally. I gave her a confused look and locked that look to her so she may understand that I am close to desperation. But she just gave me a kind smile and a wink. She took a pen and paper that looked exactly like the one I had. She started to write something on the paper and casually crumpled it and threw it towards me. The people around her seemed unable to notice what she just did, Their laughters still echoed througout the area. Cynthia's kept giggle, Julie's loud "Ha-Ha", Baby's sniggering, Lyn laughing heartedly, Kayla's "Har-har", Janet grinning, Keithlen getting red-faced due to laughing and Davy's kept and controlled laughters. I picked the paper up, trying to keep in and swallow back the lump behind my throat. I opened the note and tears welled-up my eyes - I cried hard...

I found myself unable to breathe. I did not realize that I took a step down to the sea, now becoming dark and murky. I was drowning. I was scared. I can feel the water filling up my lungs. I struggled for survival. Yet, as I looked up, I saw the moon again. Now, its light is miraculously bright. It told me to stop struggling and to just give in. It's my time. The moon assured me it's ok. He said I'll go to a better place. I let one more tear roll down my eye and allowed myself to be swallowed down deep in the sea with the moon as the sole witness to the end of me. I let go because I knew it was my time. I knew that what was written in that crumpled paper I gave to myself is true. I will be in a better place. I have done my part in the World. I have made my mark.

Sincerely,

Mharesth Love Rabanes

PS. The note read: "Let go now. It's time. You did your part, you did FINE. Let go."